It pisses me off when people ask me, "Aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?" Aren't you a little old
to be considered mortal, grandma? Now fork over your damn candy bitch! I'll be trick or treating till I can legally drink.
I love trick or treating, moreso now than when I was young. I'm fifteen now, and I've only passed up trick or treating on
one Halloween. Big mistake, you know what it's like having to get up every five minutes and hear that god-awful "twick
o tweat!" from some little kid with his overly religious, bleeding-heart liberal mom who's always either an extreme MILF
or a huge fat bitch?
After that horrible day of having to constantly pause my movie and get up with the only thing keeping me sane was the
sight of MILFs (although that kinda' made it worse 'cause the kids kept coming faster than I could masturbate to their moms),
I decided I'm no longer gonna miss out on trick or treating.
Halloween rules, but ya gotta know how to trick or treat right. First thing's first, if you have a costume, secure any
loose parts on it because they could easily fall off while running. And as for the costume, make sure your costume doesn't
suck, and that it's something no one else would think to be. Thinking about being a bum? Don't, everybody's a bum, it's stupid.
Even worse... a ghost. Be something like the French Taunter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Alex from A Clockwork
Orange. Also, be prepared to get your costume stained.
Second of all is your candy bag, use a pillowcase; everything else sucks ass. A pillowcase holds quite a lot of candy,
is strong, and quiet. Plastic bags suck, they're small, loud, and they break easily. Paper bags also suck, they're too big,
also loud, hard to carry, and will break when you least need it. So definitely use a pillowcase.
Now I'm gonna talk about the shit you'll need to take with you. First, bring a knife. Make sure it's about a medium sized
pocket knife (about a 3 inch(8 cm) blade). For self protection? No. Because what happens if you see a little kid who's trick
or treating by himself? No moms or grown ups are gonna see him. So So you and your friends hide and wait for him to come by;
you stay low to the ground. When he comes by you, slash his bag, then run in, grab as much candy as you can, shove it in your
bag, and haul ass!
Revenge items... I'll get to those later. But one more necessity... neccesity... Bah, can't spell it. Anyhow, you don't
really need it, but I carry it to get back at people who piss me off. A microcassette recorder. What's this good for? Well,
if someone was a pain in the ass, record their adress, and when you go home, go to whitepages.com and do reverse search with
their adress to get their phone number and prank call them at three in the morning. One of my favorites is to yell at them
in a drunk voice with "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME ANY CANDY!?"
Now for things to bring for revenge. The most conventional are the egg, toilet paper, and shaving cream. There's a problem
with this though. People are gonna be looking for stuff like that, so I like to be creative. One of my favorites is to fill
film canisters with paint (I like blue; if you've never played EarthBound, don't expect to understand why). I just pop the
top off, and chuck them at someone's house; paint isn't as hard to remove as yolk, but it is much more visible! A classic
is to get some dry ice, put a gallon can of paint on someone's porch, put the dry ice in the paint, stick the top on, ring
their door bell, and run like hell; preferably where you can see the action. The dry ice will build up pressure, the top will
blow and paint will splatter everywhere! It's hillarious! One thing that I thought up but never tried is to fill up a garbage
can with water, tip it against someone's door, ring the bell, and run. I never figured out how the hell to do it, because
a garbage can filled with water would be pretty damn heavy. Another idea I came up with but never tried is to fill film canisters
with paint combined with vinegar, and have a canister filled with baking soda with you. If someone pisses you off, go to their
house, take the lid off the canister quickly put some baking soda in it and put the lid back on, put it on a part of their
house that they'd least need paint on, and casually walk away. It'll take a few seconds to build up pressure to pop the lid
and leak paint, and the paint would sort of ooze out, so there's really no need to run. Anyhow, be creative and think up your
own ways to to get revenge and NOT get caught. Trust me, with this stuff, if you're caught, you're SCREWED!
Now for the miscellanious section... if I spelled that right.
Bring a watch, self explanatory.
Hide your film canisters where they won't crush and get paint all over you, otherwise you're busted. The good thing is
the canisters aren't as fragile as eggs, which you practically have to hold. I recomend in your pillow case, and try to keep
them on top of your candy to prevent them from breaking open. Again, if there are any loose parts to your costume, make sure
they're secure, or bring more of them.
When you see a house with people who aren't home and just left the candy out with that little sign that says "Please
take ONE," TAKE THE WHOLE FRIGGIN THING, AND THE BOWL THE CANDY'S IN! If there's a stand the bowl's on that you could
easily take, take it and "give" it to someone else.
Someone's house have a nice decoration? You like it? Take it!
Glowsticks look cool at night and will prevent you from having to worry about any cars, but they just give away your location.
You're smart enough to not cross when you hear a car coming anyway. Glowsticks are for dumb kids who should get hit by cars
anyway to aid the evolution of the human race.
CONSERVE YOUR AMMO! Use your canisters (or whatever you're using) sparingly. If someone pisses you off, but not enough
to be worthy of using your ammo on them, then think up ways to piss them off, like putting their decorations in naughty positions,
or taking their porch lightbulbs and smashing them. But make sure to use them, you don't want them going to waste and then
waiting till "next year." It's also best to use them at night, when the lighting's not good.
And last but not least, go to an area that you don't know very well (make sure to bring a friend with a good map memory
so you don't get lost)! Adventure rules, and there's adventure when you're in an area you don't know about. I think adventure
might just be the best part of trick or treating... next to the free candy of course. Oh, and one more VERY imporatant part
of trick or treating, you MUST be ruthless. If you care too much about some little kid to steal his candy, you shouldn't be
trick or treating. That kid wasn't gonna get a whole lot of candy anyway, but you're shooting for a SHITLOAD! Also, don't
consider the feelings of people who pissed you off; they deserve your wrath.
And that about wraps things up. Trick or treating rules, I don't know how thirteen year olds can say "I'm too old
for that shit." Your loss, you'd rather go to a party and wake up with a hangover and a couple STDs than piss off some
people and get about twenty pounds of candy.